Monday, November 5, 2012

The Desk Chair: Offpocalypse, Part I

Today's inspiration comes from the incomparable Sally Ronald, constant Gchat companion, former Jeopardy contestant, and friend in real life: 

"The world is about to descend into some sort of post-apocalyptic chaos. Riots in the streets, etc. You have 2 minutes to gather supplies that you can carry with you from the office. What do you take?

Now, I happen to know that Sally has been watching a lot of The Walking Dead lately. But she assures me this is not meant to have anything to do with zombies. That's good, because I know nothing about zombies.That's one corner of nerd culture I'm happy to have avoided thus far, apart from somehow knowing that you need to get them in the head in order to "kill" them. Actually, is there really anything else to know? Maybe that's it. Never mind, I'm a zombie expert. 

So anyway, no zombies... just a barren hellscape (I think I'm starting to overuse "hellscape") with wandering bands of violent sub-humans. Or at least a bunch of increasingly crazed regular humans that will eventually descend into sub-humanity. As I only have two minutes and it's likely the office itself will have erupted into chaos (which I already experienced once during The Great Coffee Changeover of 2011: Pots to Pods), I'm going to limit the parameters even further to just the reception area and nearby supply closet. 

A couple things are pretty obvious. I would certainly take my iPhone and charger (which I brought in to work with me today, fortuitously), my new aviator sunglasses (so I can look cool while I defend myself against Piggy and the gang), and my coat. I would also start by replacing unnecessary purse items with more useful small supplies. For example, a black sharpie in place of my Dior mascara, ibuprofen and alcohol wipes in place of gum, and super glue in place of my checkbook. 

In another fortuitous twist, I went to Trader Joe's today for lunch and decided to stock-up on some work food. Here's what I have immediately on hand:

- 1 Apple
- 2 packages of 100 calorie dark chocolate bars (9 bars in total- I ate one). 
- 15 ounces of dry roasted, unsalted almonds
- 16 ounces of crunchy almond butter
- 11 individually wrapped string cheeses (ate one of those, too)
- 2 Greek yogurts
- 2 Kind bars
- Organic popping corn
- Half a Thai style pasta salad

On the one hand, it seems impractical to burden myself with all that food, but on the other hand, having that much ready sustenance seems like it could give me a real leg up. So, bag of groceries also makes the list. 

In the tools and weapons category, I'm also doing pretty well. Here's the run-down of options:

- 4 pairs of scissors
- 3 screwdrivers (2 Phillips heads and a flat-head)
- A random piece of metal piping I found in the closet, light enough to carry but heavy enough to incapacitate.
- 2 staplers
- What looks like 200 staple removers
1 three-hole punch
- Calculator
- Tape measure
- Letter opener 
- Velcro
- Batteries
- 2 compressed air dusters
- A role of caution tape
- A ball of string

Sally insists I don't need the caution tape ("It's the apocalypse, Julia"), but I think it could come in handy. I could set up a bunch of fake hazards around my hide-out to throw people off. Sure, the roving bands would eventually be like, "Wait, it's the apocalypse, why are we worried about a little bit of caution tape?" but people are pretty deeply conditioned to follow rules, so I think it could at least buy me some time. 

The ball of string is a must. Didn't Frodo and Sam have a ball of twine that came in handy a few times? Or am I thinking of something else? Regardless, I'm bringing the string.

I will also take the letter opener. Sharp, lightweight, and in the event that the postal service survives the nuclear winter, I will avoid paper cuts. 

Two pairs of scissors should suffice. When one gets dull I can sharpen it with the letter opener, then I'll always have a sharp pair of scissors. 

I'll take two of the three screwdrivers: one Phillips, one flat. If I can find an Allen wrench, I'll be totally set if we need to build Ikea furniture to survive. 

(Update: I found a second letter opener. I will take both.) 

And finally, the cans of compressed air will also come along, mostly because they're highly flammable. Seems useful. 

I think that's a good start. Tune in tomorrow for Part II. 

1 comment:

Meredith said...

Another useful way to weaponize the compressed air is to turn the can upside-down and spray it (note that the can specifically warns you NOT to do this), into your enemy's face or onto their skin: your choice. A quick and easy way to give someone a pretty serious chemical burn. Incidentally, I do not recommend trying this out on yourself.